By: Shantanu Das Sharma, Sr. Associate Editor, ICN Group
Quick recap of what we have covered in Part 29
When Dealing with Phobias: The Ultimate Anchors
Step 1. Test the Phobia
Step 2. Create a Series of Resourceful Anchors
Step 3. Do a Double Disassociation
Step 4. Change the Internal Representation of the Past Experience
Step 5. Re-associate Back into the Experience
Step 6. Test it!
THE TRANSFORMATION OF MEANING
The meaning you choose to give is the meaning you create.
Imagine that the company you have worked so hard for in the last 20 years decided that it was time to retrench you because they can replace you with someone at half your salary. How would you feel? What meaning would you give to this experience? Most people would feel angry, bitter and rejected. Because it means that their source of income and security is gone, cut off. They would feel betrayed. They would feel that they have just wasted 20 years of their life. They would feel that they are too old and no longer of value! The meaning they attach to this experience would put them in a totally un-resourceful state.
So, what do you think will happen when they go for a new job interview? Would they impress their prospective new employer with their enthusiasm, passion, energy and drive? Not likely. Chances are, they will unconsciously exhibit their low self-esteem, even bitterness and jadedness. As a result, it will take them a long time to find someone who wants to hire them. And even if they eventually find another job, it may be a part time job, or one of much lower status and pay.
Now, in this new job do you think they will give their all? Most likely they would be thinking to themselves, ‘What’s the point? I gave my best years to my former company and look where it has gotten me?’ As a result, this person will reinforce the meaning he has attached to the retrenchment; that it was the worst thing that has ever happened to him. Retrenchment: Dejection to One, Joy to Another! At the same time, I have also seen many other people attach a totally different meaning to the same experience of retrenchment. To these people, retrenchment means that it is the company’s great loss. It means that they have the opportunity to start a new career or business in a field they have a whole lot more passion for. It means that they will finally be paid what they are worth! And the ‘bonus’ is that they are getting a great pay-out which will be the seed money to get them started in a business they always wanted to be in, but never had a good reason to start. Not until the ‘Retrenchment’ package was given to them. Getting retrenched also means that they have much more freedom and flexibility to plan ahead. For those looking for a new employer, retrenchment means that they can be glad they are leaving an ungrateful company to move to one where they would be more appreciated, and whose corporate culture would be more in sync with theirs. By framing retrenchment in this way, these people attach a whole different meaning to the same experience. They put themselves into a totally resourceful state of possibility, enthusiasm, motivation, passion and excitement.
They will be driven to go out and upgrade their skills, hunt for new career opportunities, or even start their own business. As a result of taking all these actions, do you think they will end up in a situation that is better than where they were previously? Of course! I have so many (older) friends who were forced to start their own business after the 1987 recession and, because of this, many of them are a lot wealthier, happier and have a greater sense of freedom and purpose.
‘Getting laid off was the best thing that happened to me.’
– A Shipping Tycoon
One of these enterprising people I know has just listed his shipping company and he keeps saying that the layoff was the best thing that ever happened to him. Again, the meaning these people choose to give to their experience was the meaning they created. Why is it that the same experience can destroy one person and empower another to a new level of success? In the previous article ‘Directing Your Brain’, we said that we represent (frame) things very differently in our minds. Some people have a pattern of constantly framing experiences in such a way that it dis-empowers them and puts them in unresourceful states. Others constantly frame things in a way that gets them empowered and extremely resourceful. So which representation of The Experience is true? Is it a blessing or a curse? Is it an opportunity or a problem? How you choose to represent the experience becomes true for you. Yes, we all have the free will to create our own model of the world, whatever the external circumstances. There is No Meaning in Life, Except the Meaning We Choose to Give It. What we must understand is that all meaning is context dependant. In other words, there is no meaning in life except the meaning we choose to give it. When we look at things (an experience, an incident, an event) from one perspective, it may seem totally bad. However, when we change the way we look at the same thing (i.e. from a different perspective), the meaning completely changes. It could become totally powerful… for you. You can also see that any experience in life carries with it multiple meanings. Anything in life has the potential to be either good/positive or bad/negative or appropriate/inappropriate or essential/non-essential. It depends on your perspective, the frame in which you are seeing it from.
The Rainbow in Every Dark Cloud
This is known as the law of polarity. For every north, there is a south. For every outside, there is an inside, for every crisis, there is an opportunity and for every head, there is a tail. For every concave, there is a convex. For everything that comes to an end, something new begins.
The meaning we choose to attach to an experience is the meaning we create. When we interpret an experience as negative or bad, we will get into a miserable state, take lousy actions (even inaction is a form of lousy action) and produce negative results. At the same time, when we interpret an experience as appropriate & essential in current context of time and space, we get into resourceful states, take positive action, and eventually create positive results. This can be summarized in a formula that goes
Event + Response = Outcome.
I first came across this wonderful formula given by Jack Canfield (co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul). Many people believe that it is the events around us that shape our outcomes. They believe that people who are happier and more successful just happen to experience better events in their lives.
E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome)
You and I both know that this is totally untrue. It is not the things that happen to us, but rather, how we choose to respond to happenings and external circumstances that ultimately shape our outcomes. Retrenchment is one of the most commonplace experiences faced by people, in the ups and downs of life. As we saw in the true-life experiences narrated earlier, how a person chooses to responds can either put him in an un-resourceful state, and ultimately create a lousy outcome for him, or he can respond in an empowering way and come out with a positive outcome.
The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything either as a blessing or a curse.’
– Don Juan in ‘Tales of Power’
As you well know, we cannot control every single thing that happens to us, but we can control how we choose to respond to it. For example, if you go sailing, you cannot control where the wind is going to blow. You can complain and blame the wind all you want but it is not going to be of any use. However, you can control how you maneuver the sails, and that will control the outcome of your boat’s direction. People who succeed and live fulfilling and enriching lives don’t experience better events; they just represent things and respond in a much more powerful way. We have heard so many stories of people who were born with all kinds of handicaps and despite all the odds stacked against them, they managed to create a life most others can only dream about.
Oprah Winfrey – from Street Urchin to Talk show Host Extraordinaire
What would you say of a child who was born to a single 13-year-old mother who was struggling to survive on the streets? What would you say if I told you that this child became the victim of multiple physical and sexual abuses before the age of thirteen herself? She later became pregnant and gave birth to a still-born baby. She often got into trouble with the law before the age of fifteen. You wouldn’t bet too much hope on her future, would you? What if I told you that this person was Oprah Winfrey, one of the richest and most successful women in the United States? And she is a Black American as well. Despite all the handicaps and tragic abuses, Oprah chose to keep responding in an empowering way that led to the outcomes that she is experiencing today.
At the same time we know people who, despite being born with all the money, advantages, resources and opportunities chose to make nothing of themselves. In fact, many of them end up destroying their lives.
Andrew Luster – from Cosmetics Heir to Rapist-on-the-run
Another example is Andrew Luster, 39-year-old heir to the Max Factor cosmetics empire who became a convicted rapist on-the-run in mid 2003. Luster is the great-grandson of legendary Hollywood make-up mogul Max Factor who established his empire in Hollywood in the 1920s. As a result, he lived off a trust fund and real estate investments believed to be worth about US$31 million. He grew up on exclusive Malibu Beach in LA and never had to work. Instead of taking care of his investments, he chose to spend most of his time as a ‘beach bum’ – surfing, fishing and partying. Luster did go to college but dropped out. He then bought a beach house near Santa Barbara and continued his life of travel and pleasure. Warped Luster had videotaped himself having sex with women who appeared to be either asleep or drugged. This led to his conviction as a rapist of not one but several women whom he had drugged. He is presumably languishing in jail, a tragic end to a life that began with so much promise.
Terry Fox’s Marathon of Hope
Heard of Terry Fox, Canadian marathon runner? Well, at 18, Terry was diagnosed with cancer and had to have his right leg amputated. Most people would see this as a tragedy and never, in their wildest dreams, would they see themselves running. Not Terry Fox. This courageous man decided that he would use this experience to raise money for cancer research and make a difference to all cancer sufferers. So, despite having only one leg, Terry started to run across
Canada to raise a million dollars. Sadly, half way through his journey, Terry contracted another cancer, this time in his lungs. He was forced to stop his run and died on June 28, 1981. However, because of the inspiration that his courage had created, he raised over US$24 million for his cause. Today, over $330 million has been raised around the world through the Terry Fox Marathon of Hope.
From Superman to Paraplegic…and now an Inspiration to all
Now, think of Christopher Reeves. Many of us remember Reeves as invincible Superman. He not only had super strength but super powers, he could literally fly. More than that, Christopher Reeves had the fantastic physique to make the role he played to super stardom, magical and believable. Then, in 1994, a tragic horse riding accident left Reeves paralyzed from the neck down for life! Initially, the meaning he attached to the accident was that his life was over and that he would be a burden to everyone. Utterly depressed Reeves wanted his doctors to take him off life support and allow him to die. It was his wife who asked him to give himself (and his family) two years. At the end of the two years, if he still felt the same way, they would find a way to let him go. But as Reeves’ rehabilitation began, surrounded by his very loving and supportive family and friends, he started to attach a totally different meaning to his disability. He began to see that he (because of his fame) could become an inspiration and symbol to all those who are suffering from various disabilities, and who have lost hope. The meaning he gave to his experience put him in a resourceful state. As he continued to bear his massive disability stoically and improve, bit by bit, he started to write what went to become a best-selling book called ‘Nothing is Impossible’. Though imprisoned in his body, Reeves gave hundreds of moving speeches and inspiring seminars; he even directed a movie and won an academy award. He is now living a life that is more fulfilling than ever before. His schedule of appearances, speaking engagements, and meetings are no less demanding than that of a CEO’s. Millions around the world have been inspired by Reeves indomitable spirit and he has raised millions through the Christopher Reeve foundation. And because of his motivated lovable state, his family continues to be there for him.
The Law of Polarity: Anything that seems to be extremely Negative, when framed from a different perspective, becomes extremely Positive.
I can tell you from my own life experiences that the most positive outcomes, which I am enjoying today, were the result of the ‘worst’ experiences that happened to me in the past. What made the difference was that I chose to respond in a way that continued to empower me.
As a result of leaving my job at the peak of my career as a expat resident in Singapore and returning to India to support my family back home, I searched for jobs in Kolkata for years and failed to secure any. I invested then on my personal developments going through NLP trainings and Clairvoyance trainings other than intensive study and research on human excellence and human potential developments. I wrote my first book which became Amazon #1 Best Seller. I started taking lifestyle coaching. I designed NLP+ Lifestyle Coaching Certifications through four levels which has begun to contribute exceptionally in people’s lives.
When I got rejected by the job interviewers at Kolkata, India, it seemed like an extremely negative thing. However, at hindsight, I would say that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It is one of the major contributions to my success today! Why? Well, it gave me opportunity to find my true identity & purpose, and a way to unleash my life on my own independent terms congruent to my values. If I would have got the job, I may never have built up the powerful beliefs and self-esteem I have today. At the same time, if I had always been a good employee, I wouldn’t have had such a remarkable story to tell in my first book, ‘Awaken The Incredible Within- Incredible Is The New Giant.’ In the book, I narrated how I rose from being no one in the trainer’s community in the country to rank among its top trainers! In fact, the reason I became well-known and popular as a trainer was because of the remarkable turnaround I had made from an under-achiever to gifted change worker. I can also tell you that the only reason that I am the owner and CEO of the most successful NLP+ public training company in India is the direct result of another ‘bad experience’ a couple of years ago.
Donald Trump Triumphed Over Business Tragedies that Caused Others Commit Suicide
Donald Trump is one person who constantly frames things as tests of his resilience and as lessons that make him smarter. Flamboyant Donald Trump is probably one of America’s best known billionaires as the 45th President of the country. In the 1980s and early 1990s Trump made a fortune in real estate, being heralded as one of the top real estate moguls, his personal wealth was estimated at US$1 billion. At the height of his career, he wrote two best-selling books ‘The Art of the Deal’ and ‘Surviving at the Top’. Then, in the late 1990s, a worldwide depression set in and property prices started falling like a pack of cards. Overnight, billionaires whose fortunes were tied to real estate and the stock market found their fortunes wiped out. Donald Trump was not spared. Within days, Trump’s personal fortune was gone and he was US$900 million in debt. The banks moved in to make him a bankrupt. Some of his friends who suffered the same tragedy convinced themselves that they were financially finished and took their own lives. When his ex-wife rang, he thought that she was calling to express her sympathy. Instead, she gave him another blow by demanding that he pay her whatever money he had left as a divorce settlement. People whom he thought were his closest friends brushed him off in his hour of need. Indomitable Trump didn’t regard this as being the end, it only meant that he had the opportunity to get back to work and turn things around. Although he had lost everything financially, he still retained his billion-dollar experience, and business know-how. Over the next six month, Trump negotiated one of the biggest deals in business history and within three years, he made over US$3 billion. In his latest book, ‘The Art of the Comeback’, Trump talks about how his near brush with bankruptcy has made him wiser, stronger and more focused than ever before. That, if not for that financial catastrophe, he never would have found out who his true friends are, and would never have gotten the focus to make US$3 billion in three years. While most businessmen allowed the recession of 1990s to totally destroy their personal fortunes and lives, Donald Trump used that set-back to make him stronger and richer than ever before. And then the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States marked commencement of the four-year term of Donald Trump as President. Again, it is not what happens to us, but the meaning we choose to give to it that determines what we do and ultimately the outcome we produce.
Business Icon Lee Iacocca’s Success Began with Getting Fired!
Another great example is Lee Iacocca, the former CEO of Chrysler. After graduating with a Master’s Degree in Engineering from Princeton University, Lee was hired as an engineer at Ford Motor Company. For the next 21 years, Lee’s superior management skills allowed him to continuously introduce breakthrough programs and products at Ford, helping the company to massively increase its sales & profits. Then, because of a personality clash with Henry Ford II, Lee was fired from his position. How did Lee choose to respond? Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he chose to respond in a way that empowered him. He told Ford, ‘I am going to build a company that will one day dwarf yours!’ It was this conviction that drove Lee to take massive action. Lee joined Chrysler which at that time was facing bankruptcy. With his passion, energy and savvy managerial skills, Lee built Chrysler up to become a highly profitable company that rivaled Ford as market leader. Lee Iacocca became a national celebrity and hailed as one of the greatest CEOs of all time.
So what is the meaning that you are giving to your story today?
(I facilitate Thought Leaders, Change Makers; Professionals & Business Owners translate NLP concepts into actions to achieve and elicit personal excellence. I conduct NLP Lifestyle Coaching Certification programs for individuals, corporate and celebrity clients. In the next article, you will learn about Reframing: The Art of Changing Meaning. And after that you will come to know in subsequent articles, how you can utilize concepts of NLP+ in all walks of your life to replicate the success blueprint of a winner mindset to win through life. So, stay tuned every Monday & Friday and fasten your seat belt to ‘Enhance Your Lifestyle With NLP+’)
Shantanu Das Sharma, Creator of the concept NLP Lifestyle Coaching with NLP+, Founder of Neuromind Leadership Academy is an Amazon #1 Best Selling Author, NLP Lifestyle Master Trainer & Coach, Clean Language Facilitator & Strategic Interventionist.
